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The Statto Dictionary

Introduction

The Statto Dictionary started life on a bus in Wales. It is a small repository of cynical and bizarre definitions for words in the English language, compiled over years and then ruthlessly edited to give this online version.

For further information about The Statto Dictionary, try the KTAB World Factbook article about The Statto Dictionary.

Definitions

Spade
Primitive humanoid-operated soil particulate realignment device.
Dictionary
Book of incredible knowledge, succinct yet perplexingly bizarre definitions or slang. Often unnecessarily ordered with primitive systems thus removing entertainment from the pages and depressing the authors.
Oceans
(see seas).
Sellotape
Thin plasticised adhesive strip generally wound around a toroidial prism of wood pulp which is used thus:
  1. Find the end. This could prove rather more difficult than imagined as the four-dimensional sellotape can displace its three-dimensional form with ease so as to eliminate its end totally.
  2. Apply lateral tension to the end to separate a piece of the desired proportions and cut at the specified point. This could also prove difficult because the sellotape is strong enough to blunt most earthly cutting instruments and despite which is rather less than eager to leave the come off its roll. Some sellotape has been observed to be maniacally happy and therefore to, upon the application of lateral tension, abruptly spring from its roll thus causing a twenty-metre piece to become detached.
  3. Attempt to force the tape to adhere to the desired surfaces. This could prove most difficult of all as the sellotape will disobediently adhere to any other surface (including itself) other than the intended.
Masochists
Exceptionally mentally retarded life forms who actually enjoy football, coffee and rugby.
Shins
Frontal section of lower leg bone, backed by large mass of muscle fibres, covered frontally by exceptionally thin dermal tissue and numerous neuroreceptors. Used for finding furniture in the dark.
Sadists
PE teachers. Especially those who say the following: “What a nice day. I love the gentle melody of water flooding over my waterproof-to-fifty-metres torrential downpour coat with built in heat-o-matic survival kit guaranteed to keep you warm down to −269°C! Off you go, seven times around the rugby posts (and by the way, I’m confiscating your shirts to keep me warm) and then practice mauls in the deep, permafrost-infiltrated cholera-breeding mud. Oh, look it’s not mud, it’s a lovely swamp. Lucky I’ve got my mosquito netting, insecticide and vaccination or I might catch malaria. Don’t worry though, they only bite warm prey…”
Politics
A form of perverse entertainment for the mentally deranged on primitive worlds. Involves trying to make yourself as unpopular as possible, generally achieved by exploiting the Universe’s homophobia, sentimentality and depression. After a fixed period of depopularisation, an election is held to find out how gullible the population really is. It’s obvious, if you think about it, that those with the fewest votes win because all the less unpopular ones do all the work.
Rugby
A congregation of humanoid life forms, who will, with encouragement, follow an avian-ovum-shaped gas envelope in ludicrous directions whilst awaiting the post-game vertical liquid sanitation ceremony. The pitch varies in area, geometry and orientation according to complex calculations based upon the relative positions of the contestants. It has, on average forty-two sides, the crossing of any of which results in menial punishments (such as contestant interconnection) which are supposedly detrimental to the offenders.
JCB
Advanced humanoid-operated soil particulate realignment device.
Shoelaces
An intertwined fibre theoretically devised for attaching a leather frame bound by rapidly oscillated fibres to the foot (or species equivalent) of a life form so as to protect it from the natural and harmless surroundings. The laces are characterised by their three main common deviations from purpose:
  1. An unusual capacity for realigning whilst maintaining a constant topography so as to make one end indistinguishable from the other.
  2. The habit of disengaging from the default insertion point, thus causing the casing to malform or disconnect entirely.
  3. A form of weakness which means, when placed under the lateral stress of ‘tying’, the normally rigid molecular bonds break and the hand/equivalent springs back with a vital sector of the aforementioned fibres causing exceeding irritation to the life form as the leather case now has nothing to affix it to the life form’s foot/equivalent correctly, thus causing the characteristic ‘2’ error to undoubtedly occur.
Seas
(see oceans).
Why
Why not?
Coffee
A concoction of hot water and ground beans containing caffeine. You can expect to pay extortionate prices to get one expertly mixed at a specialist bar, so it is best to make one yourself:
  1. Take one kettle, fill with water and pass a few decades with an engrossing activity (a watched kettle never boils, but having said that, neither does and unwatched one) so as to allow the water to reach a temperature close to lukewarm (as was said before, it will never boil).
  2. Put this water in a cup along with some glucose (if you want to rot your masticational calcium deposits) and some coffee beans (or instant powder if that’s what you really want). Certain insalubrious substances (mercury, milk etc.) must not be added, or taste reduction will result.
  3. Add a cherry if it makes you more confident.
  4. CAUTION! This is recommended only to masochists (see masochists), revision freaks and drug (caffeine) addicts.
  5. The ‘Save the Milk’ society recommends allowing your drink to cool before adding the milk so as not to scald it.
Sword
Primitive humanoid-operated organism component realignment device.
Safe
A high security device found in various forms; mechanical, electrical and electronic. All safes display easily identifiable characteristics, all for the purpose of maximum security. They are briefly outlined here:
  1. The ability to, once closed, lock itself into a state of hermetic sealing without knowledge of the passcode and the appendages with which to carry out the passcode’s requirements.
  2. The ability to, once locked, to randomly change the passcode in such a way that even the original owner can no longer gain access.
  3. The ability to, once opened again by the normal technique, lie on the floor in a pile of shards along with the once-intact contents.
Shoe
A component part of the device known as a shoelace (see shoelaces).
Public Transport
A government-induced age-old myth you can pass on to your grandchildren.
Graffiti
A new and exciting way to mis-spell things.
Bunk beds
1. (juveniles) A very cunning method of injuring small children as they throw things from the upper reclining facilitation surface and ‘forget to let go’.
2. (conversational) Primitive alarm-clock replacement designed to keep two humanoids talking for the entire designated rest period, and reducing them to quiovering wrecks uable to be cured even by coffee (see coffee).
3. (educational) Method used by school excursions to maintain a concious state throughout the night, the person on the upper surface being kicked in the back, both entertaining the person below and annoying the above.
4. (adult) A contraceptive device operating on the basis of keeping one person worried perched on the above section, worrying about the oscillation of their centre of gravity, while the person below worries about the imminent collision of this centre and their head, thus reducing potential reproductive interaction. The only method available to certain religious groups, and the only that works.
Cheese
anything that tastes a bit off.
Nuke
Advanced humanoid-deployed large area realignment device.
Dictatorship
1. (fascist) Someone who seizes control of a country and forces its occupants to obey its rules with no shameful political disguise. A Conservative prime minister.
2. (communist) Someone who convinces the people he controls that they are all equal and then dictates to them, him being more equal than them. A Labour prime minister.
3. (bad) (see politics) A Liberal Democrat Prime Minister.
4. (general) Anything right of the metaphorical fuselage known as politics.
Anarchy
Left wing politics.
Democracy
A dictatorship gone wrong.
Philosophy
A highly acclaimed academic method to intellectually and logically miss the point completely.
© Andrew Steele & John Trevor-Allen 2005