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S-JTA: Safety to die for

Mock Driving Theory Examination

  1. A whacking fire engine gound ’round a corner

    Why should you be careful when passing this vehicle?

    Mark one answer

    1. It’s bigger than you and could crush you like a twig
    2. It may produce a ‘funny’ smell as you pass, distracting your attention
    3. There might be nasty cyclists hiding behind it trying to make you fail your theory test
    4. It’s in the middle of the bloody road
  2. XB05 JKL

    Can you read this number plate?

    Mark one answer

    1. Yes
    2. No
    3. What number plate?

  3. Care should be taken when refuelling a diesel car because diesel is

    Mark one answer

    1. Colourless
    2. Odourless
    3. Expensive
    4. Explosive
  4. Some tit waiting at some traffic lights next to some cyclist

    When the traffic lights change, the disgusting lime green car should

    Mark one answer

    1. Accelerate past the cyclist, scaring the pants off of him
    2. Throw his voice and make the cyclist think he’s being shouted at by a passing pedestrian
    3. Beep his horn loudly
    4. Paint his car a less conspicuous colour to avoid the SPECTRE agent following him

  5. Which of the following types of crossing would kill and eat you if you came across them in their native environment?

    Mark two answers

    1. Zebra
    2. Toucan
    3. Octopus
    4. Cobra
    5. Pelican
    6. Alligator

  6. Your car stalls on a level crossing. You decide that it’s really not your day as the barriers come down. You should

    Mark one answer

    1. Leave your car and run in blind panic, facilitating the death of hundreds
    2. Continue to try and start your obviously-buggered car, facilitating the death of hundreds and yourself
    3. Proceed to the nearest public convenience and change your trousers
    4. Beep your horn loudly

  7. Which of the following groups is most commonly involved in car accidents?

    Mark one answer

    1. Motorists
    2. 17-25 year olds
    3. Moralistic bloody driving theory examiners who set questions whose sole purpose it is to point out that the young are inferior
    4. 100m sprinters
  8. Some fit bird on a horse

    You are passing this horse. You should

    Mark one answer

    1. Slow right down to eye up the totty
    2. Give her five as you go past
    3. Beep your horn loudly
    4. Suggest that since motor vehicles are affordable, clean, safe, and won’t poo on the Queen’s Highway, she should buy one seeing as it’s the 21st century and all
  9. It’s a sign, I tell you!

    What does this sign indicate?

    Mark one answer

    1. No vehicles carrying giant, inflatable, yellow hedgehogs on the roof rack beyond this point
    2. Beware of novelty paint jobs
    3. No more stupid signs beyond this point
    4. Beep your horn loudly

  10. How do you know you’re on black ice?

    Mark one answer

    1. The road is black and shiny
    2. A tree suddenly accelerates into your bonnet
    3. Torville and Dean overtake you
    4. The car behind beeps its horn loudly

  11. You are the first on the scene of a major road traffic accident. The nauseating smell of human flesh mingles with the stench of petroleum vapour, which may ignite at any moment. Three people lie in various contorted positions about the road. Blood is congealing over the heavily-wounded head of one, her eyes flitting about searching for someone, anyone to help her, and the other two lie in dubious states of semi-consciousness, imprisoned, alone and frightened, trapped within the twisted metal. You should

    Mark one answer

    1. Throw ’em in the boot and drive to a hospital as fast as possible
    2. Give them a lollypop and kiss any major injuries better
    3. Sweep up the broken glass and take insurance details of all those involved
    4. Beep your horn loudly
  12. A wonky bridge

    Why does this bridge appear to be slanted in relation to the road?

    Mark one answer

    1. The curvature of the Earth
    2. You’re pissed
    3. Whoever built the bridge was pissed
    4. You’ve got loud music on, have taken drugs that make you hallucinate, and whoever took this photo was pissed

  13. You are dazzled by an oncoming car late one evening. You should

    Mark one answer

    1. Put on some dark sunglasses
    2. Buy a searchlight and dazzle him back
    3. Close the curtains and go back to bed
    4. Beep your horn loudly
  14. A bad pun

    You are driving along and the above vision confronts you. What is it?

    Mark one answer

    1. A zebra crossing (ha ha bloody ha)
    2. A hallucination
    3. A horse in a disco
    4. Something altogether more sinister…

  15. What is the standard penalty for drink-driving?

    Mark one answer

    1. Death by hanging
    2. Death by road accident
    3. You must promise never to drink again, no, not ever, not even if you buy it for me, no way, no drinky-winky for me, coz little me can’t take alkyhool, dearie dearie, I’m sorry officer, that’s a very lovely hat you’re wearing, mind if I have it?
    4. You have to buy the next round

  16. How will using your mobile telephone affect your driving safety?

    Mark one answer

    1. It will be much safer, as you can ’phone your mates for advice on safety
    2. Slightly safer, since you are in less danger of having a road accident when you are arrested and slammed into a prison cell
    3. Less safe, since the microwave radiation may heat up surrounding vehicles to the point where their fuel tanks explode, showering the surroundings in fiery liquid death
    4. Significantly safer. Your Aston Martin can be entirely controlled with precision (including the smokescreen-o-matic and machine gun), using concealed buttons on the telephone
  17. Some cyclists next to a sign permitting cycling

    What animals should you beware of when driving past this grass verge?

    Mark one answer

    1. Lemmings
    2. Giant yellow hedgehogs
    3. Animal rights protesters
    4. Hobbits

  18. How do you change a tyre?

    Mark four answers

    1. Call the AA
    2. Wait for the AA
    3. Watch the nice AA man change it for you
    4. Drive off happily

  19. What is the most common cause of brake fade?

    Mark one answer

    1. Magic
    2. Lubricant applied to the brake pads by the evil henchmen of your arch-nemesis, Ernst Brakefade
    3. Not pressing the pedal hard enough
    4. Not having a tax disc
  20. ST*P

    This sign has been partially obscured. What does it mean?

    Mark one answer

    1. Some tit’s been graffiting our sign
    2. The sign forgot to shave this morning
    3. Low-flying aircraft fuelled by white paint
    4. The sign is going to a Christmas Party dressed as Santa Claus

  21. It’s early one morning and you haven’t had time to brush your hair before driving. You should…

    Mark one answer

    1. Wear protective headgear to prevent embarassment
    2. Spray with antifreeze and comb with the windscreen scraper for that Wintery look
    3. Consult your GP
    4. Beep your horn loudly

  22. Which of the following is likely to increase fuel efficiency?

    Mark one answer

    1. Tying a parachute to the back of the car
    2. A stylish but aerodynamically ridiculous spoiler
    3. Staying at home and mugging up for your theory test instead of going for a drive
    4. Beeping your horn loudly

  23. You’re playing ‘Snake II’ on your mobile during a long journey. You keep on losing and are getting cross. You should

    Mark one answer

    1. Open a window
    2. Report yourself to the Police for being an idiot
    3. Use both hands to play ‘Snake’ to improve your success
    4. Beep your horn loudly

  24. You are taking your driving theory test. You should

    Mark two answers

    1. Take it very seriously
    2. Mark two answers in this question
    3. Beep your horn loudly
    4. Be careful not to use your mobile ’phone
    5. Test your brakes
© Andrew Steele & John Trevor-Allen 2005