Sunday, 9 March, 2003, 00:59 GMT

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Caught In The Middle (East)

Top Terrorist Caught By US People

Mohammed was seized after US agents spotted the distinctive ‘located’ label superglued to his forehead

Last week, US agents working in Pakistan detained Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, believed to be the co-ordinator of the Al-Qaeda terrorist attacks.

Pakistani authorities are believed to have informed George Bush immediately, saying “We’re being good to you, so please don’t spot we’re three hundred times more likely to blow the world up than your daddy’s chum in Iraq.” Khalid is being detained by Americans at Bagran airbase until he can be flown to the States for prolonged interrogation.

Passenger spoke to people in the area where Khalid was apprehended and found sources close to him who stated that “He’s a good boy, and he never meant no harm to no-one. He always used to help me with the dishes, too.” Mohammed’s mother was also able to ring his close friend Osama who told us that “He doesn’t know where I am! If he says I’m at grid-reference 214369, he’s definitely lying!”, though we could get no useful information from him about Khalid’s terrorist connections.

FBI officials were jubilant upon receipt of the news that the man they thought was Mohammed was indeed a key member of a terrorist organisation, and not a random British pensioner called Doris. “We’ve had this problem, especially with terrorists, coz everyone apart from us seems to spell their names wrong,” said Marvin Wilcox, an FBI agent, “It says quite plainly on our website that our biggest terrorist is Usama Bin Laden, but all we’ve found is some chap called Osama in a cave at grid reference 214369, and he says he’s never even heard of Al-Qaeda!”

Whooo! Yeaaaaahhh! Good job boys! Who is he again? George W. Bush

US agents are already speculating about how they will get him to talk, but International analysts are dubious. “International law prohibits torture,” said Wilcox, “And we’re definitely, definitely not going to go against International law, oh no, not us. We used up all ‘Defy International Law Free’ cards with the Kyoto Protocol and the Iraq situation!”

Wilcox’s statement was confirmed by Mohammed himself. It appears that he sent a postcard to the Pakistani embassy, which was thankfully intercepted by US Officials. It said “I am an evil terrorist, and I’m very glad that I’ve been caught so as I won’t carry on all this killing of Americans. I’ve realised the error of my ways, and would like to add my support to military action against Iraq, as it is a hotbed of terror that I myself have contributed to. Yours sincerely, Mo. PS Do you think this looks alright, Donald? I’ve been working on it all afternoon in between my jigsaw, GWB.”