Saturday, 19 April, 2003, 22:08 BST

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Toppled

Saddam Yanked by Yanks as Baghdad Falls

Unable to get the real President Hussein, the US tug down a big ol' bit o' brass

The war in Iraq appears to be pretty much over: but the looting, bitterness, American-bashing and complete lack of promised food aid has only just begun.

Saddam’s regime was declared ‘toppled’ by millions of overly-literal people around the World when a US recovery tank pulled down a huge statue in central Baghdad. Passenger asked General Francis Bargle about the event: “It is a great moment for all of America,” he said, “But the war is by no means over. Some have said this statue doesn’t look much like Saddam, and intelligence indicates that he made a number of doubles, in case a particularly stupid assassin targeted his statues. Until we’re sure we’ve got the real one, this campaign ain’t over.”

Crowds of Iraqis cheered as units of US armoured vehicles poured onto the streets, heralding the end of thirty years’ oppression and the start of wild, city-wide looting. Iraqi men, women and children have all joined in the lawlessness, stealing everything from cars to TVs, office chairs and even gold-plated Kalashnikovs belonging to Saddam’s brother. US forces were forced to step in and stop the looting sprees when it emerged that the said gold Kalashnikovs all had “Made in Pittsburgh, USA” stamped on the back of them.

After the collapse of the regime a random statue, high-ranking Iraqi officials have fled, committed suicide, or put on civilian clothes, thus completely disguising themselves from American forces. Perhaps the most sorely missed will be the Iraqi Information Minster, or ‘Comical Ali’ as he was dubbed by the press, following the realisation he was almost as funny as George Bush. The only one of Saddam’s regime to be mourned, he will be remembered for making the war footage worth watching, with his popular quips such as “There are no US troops in the Gulf,”, “The Republican Guard has just wiped out the US troops that aren’t here,” and “The Americans aren’t just in this for the oil.”

In spite of the defeat of the Iraqis, however, food aid is still not arriving in the beleaguered nation. “It’s been delayed,” explained spokesman Francis Bargle, “Because we’ve been shipping in chemical weapons to make our justification for the bloody shenanigans look justified.”

Meanwhile, the war’s aftermath is having its effect on politics, too, especially British Prime Minister Tony Blair. This week, he will be attending an EU summit about Europe-wide government to make it look like he gives a bugger what they think; “And,” said Mr Blair, “as a handy sideline, if discussion moves onto European Presidency, I think I might be in the running!” The PM’s press office later denied allegations that Mr. Blair’s plan to be in the running rests upon blowing up every other important EU member.

Mr Blair has also sought to bolster public opinion at home, explaining “That big, tough war stance, it was all just a front; if enough of the public and my own party had objected, causing, say a million-strong anti-war march through London or something, I’d’ve resigned just like Clare Short didn’t!”

However, the situation in Iraq is what people not caressing their political ego care most about, and the future is still looking distinctly uncertain; “I’m sick of the bloody Americans occupying my bloody home city,” said one Iraqi on the street, “They’re getting in the way of my looting!” Another man in civilian clothes wandered up to our correspondent, and explained that there “Aren’t any US forces in Baghdad, and it is all lies conjured up by the infidels, whose stomachs will roast in the fiery pits of Hell at Allah’s grace.”

Either way, the World can now relax, safe in the knowledge that it will be at least another fortnight before Passenger has to write another story on Iraq.