Wednesday, 21 May, 2003, 16:44 BST

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Testing Times

Exams Hit UK

As close as they'd let us get to the exam room, in case "Your camera is high enough resolution that you could copy all the papers from 20m back, quickly send them via a network of picture-messaging mobiles across the UK and the candidates might then somehow find a use for the fuzzy pictures of the paper they're already sitting."

The annual round of exams has once more waded into the schools of the nation, flanked by ranks of transparent pencil cases, handy revision guides and the customary increase in tattoos of a mathematical nature.

Criticisms are being levelled at all parts of the education system.

Primary schools have made fierce objections to SATs, especially the exams for seven-year-olds, claiming that they bring undue stress to pupils. The government, staunch as ever, is trying to avoid a complete U-turn on policy, but is being forced to admit that SATs might not be a great idea; “We’re not against SATs per se,” explained Education Secretary Charles Clarke, “It’s just that results seem to have got as high as they’re going, and I’d rather have something which shows schools improving year on year. That, and reforming them a bit might keep the teachers quiet!”

However, the government are unwilling to remove testing for seven-year-olds entirely: “It turns out,” explained Mr Clarke, “That kids too stupid to do well in SATs are also too stupid to do well in GCSEs.” This revelation came after it was found in the answer to an essay question on a seven-year-olds’ “Bleedin’ Obvious” exam.

Teachers have been regularly infuriated by SATs, just like other famous initiatives recently brought to education, such as the ‘Numeracy Hour’, the ‘Literacy Hour’ and the ‘NUT Strike Plan’.

There is also controversy at GCSE and A-level. Edexcel, have unveiled plans to mark all papers using computers. This is designed to facilitate marking by multiple examiners (so all the poor candidates have to wait less time for a remark after embarrassing grading cock-ups) and make returning copies of papers easier (allowing the candidates to spot where they got marks, so the poor examiners don’t have to).

Exam board OGPU have taken things even further, revealing plans to computerise their entire system. All exams will now be invigilated by Microsoft Sam and a flying toaster screensaver, and will be conducted on computers. To prevent candidates cheating by use of the Internet, all computers will use AOL. “This is a great plan!” Bargle explained, “Because it means rather than having to store a load of papers, after a candidate has written on them, we only have to store a load of computers! It’s also doubled the number of excuses we have from ‘marking cock-up’ to ‘marking cock-up’ and ‘computer crash’!”

Even before the introduction of these computerised schemes, however, exam boards are struggling. OCR revealed that they have been forced to withdraw an English GCSE paper after some pupils seemed to “know too much” about what was coming up on the exam. OCR said, in a press statement, that “suspicions were first aroused when, on interview, pupils thought that the exam might feature question about English. Three pupils suspected a question on the novel they had been studying. One pupil could even remember the date of the exam!”

Meanwhile, in the West Midlands, a Parcel Force van carrying AQA papers was stolen. It later transpired that it was captured by US troops in Britain, who had received intelligence that it contained tools of “mass examination”. “Apparently, they lock kids in rooms for hours on end and try to extract information from them!” one squaddie told Passenger, “This must be against the Geneva convention, which we’ve got to be seen to be upholding so we can torture a few Iraqis on the sly.”

Despite the hullabaloo, pupils across the country are busily revising or awaiting results, whether they be seven or seventeen. Meanwhile, exam boards are busily preparing or awaiting the imminent deluge of complaints which they have come to expect as an occupational hazard for people who spend a whole year writing eight questions and still manage to spell ‘GCSE’ wrong.