Sunday, 22 Febuary, 2003, 00:33 GMT

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Additional Powers

Government to Allow "Random Maths Tests" in Schools

Teachers, pupils and toddlers say that the government's policies don't add up

Tony Blair has told the press in an interview that head teachers will be allowed, under new guidelines, to make their pupils take random maths tests.

"We've been trying very hard to push up grades in schools, and we've failed abysmally," Tony told a Sunday paper, "So we're going to be tough on maths, instead. Incidentally, I'm going to fight a third term, what, no, no, I didn't mention fighting another term, now be quiet before Gordon hears you!"

The plans have been widely condemned by the Liberal Democrats and civil liberty campaigners: "We're just generally against everything the government does at the moment," explained Charles Kennedy, "because public opinion seems to be against them. After the Hutton fiasco...sorry, Inquiry...and the whole top-up fees thing, we're hoping that if we can spread widespread discontent with the government, we might win some seats...sorry, more seats."

A poll carried out by ICBM Research suggested that 86% of children had been exposed to maths, and of those, 54% felt that they had been pressured into doing maths, many by their own teachers.

"There’s a terrible maths culture in my school," explained spotty layabout Marvin Wilcox, "I admit I’ve done a bit of maths, but just a bit of linear algebra and statistics. My mates say I’m soft: I've been offered all sorts, mechanics problems on speed, crack cosines. Even exponentials; e's are hard stuff, man."

However, even hardcore users are aware of the dangers of maths. "I had one mate, Francis, who used to do really hard maths, you know? But then he wanted to quit and took up drugs instead... anyway, he couldn’t cope with going cold turkey like that; he went back to his dealer, got himself a whole sheet of quadratic equations and died of heart failure. Really tragic, that was."

Experts think that maths is becoming a problem worse than drugs, with sixteen-year-olds being able to easily get hold of C-grade GCSEs. "The brighter ones can even get hold of class-B and A qualifications," agonised headmistress Clare Timkins, who runs a comprehensive school with a notorious maths culture, "Random maths tests would be a useful weapon in the Government's battle against numeracy."

However, civil liberties groups are not convinced that random maths tests are the answer. "The nation has a very difficult maths problem," explained Gordon Brown, "And the only answer is to subtract the NHS."