Tuesday, 24 Febuary, 2004, 22:59 GMT

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No Beating About The Bush

Dubyah Already Attacking Democrats

Despite his paranoia, the President didn't notice an al-Qaeda spider climbing up the microphone

President Bush today took time out from his Global War on Security to instil the fear of Terrorism into those who might vote him from office, if they weren't too terrified of the Bogeyman under the bed.

The Pres has decried the Democrats for wanting to raise taxes rather than continuing his policy of tax-cuts for the rich, the rich, and his rich friends. "Ah do not believe that the Democrats would allow rich Americans to stay rich," Bush cried, "And that is an assault on the entire elitist way of life we have fought for oil for, ever since I was allowed to eat official White House wax crayons."

Bush has also cited the Democrats' weak resolve on defence: "You couldn't be absolutely sure that they'd promptly squish the danger with overpowering force in direct contravention of International law with the slightest provocation, for example," he told the media.

It appears that this publicity onslaught was brought on when it emerged that a Democrat candidate is running for the next election. Mr. Bush appeared very distraught, and placed a call to his brother, Jeb: "Jeb, the Democrats say they've got a candidate. Ah thawt Ah had to actually be elected to the Waht House this time?! To make up for the last election, when Ah wasn't...right?"

The majority of Americans, however, seem largely unimpressed with Bush's statement. Staunch Republican voter Roger Bighouse told KTAB News "If Bush wants to keep life good for the rich, he's going to need more than vague threats about potential terror attacks to scare the proles into supporting him. If you ask me, he needs to invade Iran, and that'll get us oil and livid Muslims!"

Opinion polls have yet to show whether or not Bush's slander has increased his popularity rating, which leading sources suggest was falling below the 50% mark. "You only have to look at the votes in the last election to work that one out," pollster and amateur statistician Francis Bargle told Passenger, "Although, I suppose it's a bit late to do that, isn't it?"