Thursday, 25 March, 2004, 15:04 GMT

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Bush Laden with Woes

Osama Speaks at Commission

Osama has had a deadly hatred for George Bush ever since the US President stole Bin Laden's title as "The World's Most Hated Man"

Osama Bin Laden has today issued a statement to the effect that the terrorist attacks on September 11th, 2001 "could have been prevented" if President Bush had responded to warnings given to him by expert advisors.

The Bin Laden family have always had close ties to the USA; during the Cold War the U.S.A. shelled out $30m to train Osama in the skills needed to carry out terrorist attacks in the hope he would cause trouble for the then USSR. In addition to this, Osama owns a small fortune made through oil investments, family connections and fundamentalist jihad bring-and-buy sales.

Osama's testimony, given to the ongoing Commission to determine whether or not it would have been possible to prevent the "9/11" attacks, was given by suspicious tape handed to an Arab news agency, despite grovelling American requests that he appear at the hearing in person.

The Director of the CIA, George Tenet, has claimed that specific warnings were impossible, but Richard Clarke, a staunch critic of the President, has said that Bush's administration did not consider terrorism to be "an urgent issue," because it was too preoccupied with launching a second Gulf War.

The White House has strongly denied the accusation, pointing out that "If Mr. Bush had been so concerned with finishing his daddy's war in Iraq that he let security lapse enough to allow the deaths of 3,000 in the World Trade Centre, don't you think he might've found a better excuse for war? Or indeed some kind of reason at all?"

However, Osama has now launched himself into the fray, explaining that, in his view, the al-Qaeda terrorist attacks of September 11th could "never have happened if someone was paying attention to me". Osama is in a unique position to understand the workings of al-Qaeda, because he started it. "Just like Bush is in a unique position to talk about global warming and the Gulf War and things," explained Osama.

As a result of Bush's election, Osama told KTAB, the "attacks were possible, because nobody paid attention to terrorism anymore, it was all about covering up things that turned into the Enron scandal, and trying to teach Bush the difference between left and a national crisis...it was too easy! In support of the President, however," Bin Laden added, "I will say it was really good of him to fly all my family that were in the U.S. safely home to Saudi Arabia after September 11th. There were some really bitchy mobs looking for 'em, you know?"

Presidential spokesman Roger Bighouse has dismissed Bin Laden's claims as "Utter rubbish, a pathetic publicity attempt intended for nothing more than to damage the President's chances of re-election. And no-one listens to cracks like Osama anyway, so there's nothing to worry about!"