Monday, 12th July, 2004, 19:08 BST

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Barrier Method

West Bank Ruled Breach of Planning Regs

Since this is "a wall, fence or gate exceeding 1 metre in height near to a public highway", the Israelis should have applied for planning permission

Ariel Sharon has decided to continue the construction of the West Bank barrier, despite its being ruled a breach of planning regulations by the World Court.

"Mr Sharon must dismantle the barrier as soon as possible," explained UN planning officer Mr Francis Bargle, "because it obstructs the Palestinians' view to an unreasonable degree, is detrimental to the natural beauty of the area, and, most importantly, because it's only going to get run over by that huge tankful of angry soldiers, anyway."

The resolution, however, is non-binding, and Israel is relying on the US to veto any attempts made by UN members to enforce it. "It would be a little hypocritical of them to worry about us breaking UN resolutions!" joked Mr Sharon.

The Israeli government is already considering launching an appeal. Mr Sharon has declared that he will "fight, using all diplomatic and legal means, as well as any military ones I happen to fancy, including all these lovely US missiles we have."

"We're thinking of basing it on the precedents set by Hadrian's Wall, the Great Wall of China, and the 23-foot panel fence that was permitted by the International Court during a cold war disagreement with a gardener in the USSR. Who knows, maybe in a thousand years time when the oppression of the Palestinians is ancient history, it'll be a tourist attraction frequented by schoolchildren! As long as they don't throw stones, obviously. Then we'd have to shoot them."

If the Israeli application for planning permission proves unsuccessful, however, it is reported that they are planning on installing a military-grade leylandi hedge.