Tuesday, 24 August, 2004, 00:22 BST

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Gunned Down

JFK Campaign Assasinated

Bush kept up-to-date with the latest developments in Asia by popping to the cinema whilst on shifts with the Texan Air National Guard.

A series of pro-Republican adverts have rocked the Presidential campaign of Senator John F. Kerry, three times winner of the Purple Heart - a rough equivilant of the Military Cross - who is accused in the adverts of being far less heroic than is actually the case.

The election campaign has so far been far less vicious than was previously expected, and some analysts are surprised that Bush hasn't spoken out and capitalised on the advertising campaign. Other analysts attribute this to the fact that he has signed up to the Texas Air National Guard to avoid the heated pre-election battle.

"Basically," Francis Bargle, lecturer in American Politics and Study Sciences at the University of Canford told KTAB News, "The Bush Campaign want to steer the election debate well away from what candidates did in the Vietnam War, because hiding in the desert, somewhere, isn't too heroic."

However, not all staunch Republicans agree with Bargle's views: "Bush has always been a brilliant tactician and has a military understanding greater than that of any other living soldier since Alexander the Great!" claims Roger Bighouse, a rich man from Kansas, "And the fact he never even went to Vietnam doesn't alter the fact he's got such brilliant capacity for coping in war... Hell, he shouldn't have gone to 'Nam, his tactical genius would never have fitted in with the US Army!"

However, Bargle refuses to accept the concept of Bighouse backing Bush: "The only reason that fool is saying Bush is wonderful is because he owns a $23,000 stake in Shell! And a million shares in Esso! D'you know, I once saw Bighouse wandering about in Washington in an Osama Bin Laden costume shouting 'Even I like George Bush!' What the Hell was that about?!"

Many people fear, however, that the damage to John Kerry's campaign has already been done, and the White House has denied that there is any connection between them and the groundless slurs upon Mr. Kerry's war record. The Kerry-Edwards camp, meanwhile, are hoping that some damage to the Republicans has already been done, and have denied that there is any connection between them and the man who has lived in The White House these last five years.