Tuesday, 16 November, 2004, 21:30 GMT

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Up In Smoke

New Legislation to Stub Out Cigarettes

Stolen pub ashtrays such as this one are now worth more than £200 at Sotheby's

The Government was today criticised for new proposals which would ban the creation of death-dealing fumes in all public places serving food to customers.

Cafes, restaurants and all pubs which serve food, some 90%, would be forced to effect such a ban under new legislation being proposed.

Roger Bighouse, owner of the multinational cigarette firm Tarboro - who sell an estimated 80,000 packets a day, worldwide - has slammed the "nanny state" concept, and has backlash launched a campaign to make smoking compulsary amongst the over fives.

"This has nothing to do with personal freedom!" he told a press conference today. "This is just a great excuse for my company to get young people addicted before all the old heavy and long-term smokers die of cancer. I think we've got until Tuesday."

Bans in Ireland and New York have, in many cases, resulted in an increase in profits for pubs and bars. "Pubs are naturally unappealing environments," explained landlord Marvin Wilcox, "Full of smelly alcos and, unclean surfaces and students. Removing smokers just takes another barrier down to patrons. I'm hoping that soon there will be similar bans on lager and pork scratchings, my business will triple!"

Liberal Democrat MP Clare Timkins is confident that a ban will go ahead. "Smokers can still smoke outside," she points out "So we're not stopping them from spending their money on highly-taxed, addictive tar. But it does mean that they won't pour the smoke into everyone else's lungs, which will mean fewer people die, leaving more people to vote for Charles Kennedy at the next election."

Professor Francis T. Bargle has been analysing the statistics for an independent think-tank: "It's a complex and emotive issue," explained Bargle, "But if the ban doesn't come through, the next best alternative according to my sums is to make the smokers turn the fags back to front."

"That way, those around them get the benefit of the filter, and the addicts die off, leaving society in a smoke-free harmony!"

Other proposals in the White Paper suggest the banning of pre-watershed television adverts for fast-food, a patronising traffic-light system for food labelling, and the shooting of everyone who criticises the Prime Minister. Asked about these proposals, a KTAB reporter was told to stop being picky, and to "go back and focus on the headline-grabbing diversion about smoking".