Saturday, 18 December, 2004, 12:46 GMT

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Stay-at-Home Secretary

Blunkett Resigns in Quinn-tessential Scandal

Commentators say Blunkett was blind not to see that this was a resignation issue

David Blunkett has been forced to resign after allegations about his department forcing through a visa for his ex-lover's nanny were substantiated by an e-mail uncovered by the Budd Inquiry. A spokesman told KTAB News that "Mr. Blunkett is deeply ashamed of his actions in this matter," and added that "It is against Government policy to quickly process any visa application."

As is usual in such scandals, Mr Blunkett said "could not recollect" the offending e-mail. He claimed he tendered his resignation, "with deep regret", not because of any wrongdoing, but because he didn't wish for his perceived involvement to harm the government any more than his policies had already.

Mr Blunkett has been in the media spotlight for much of the past month for his affair with former lover Kimberly Quinn, who recently gave birth to a son. Matters came to a head this week after the revelation that Mr Blunkett spent most of his new biography criticising Cabinet colleagues. The book was later thrown across the chamber of the House of Commons by Labour Chief Whip Hillary Armstrong, who is described in the autobiography as a woman who "couldn't even throw an orange, because she is a girl. And she smells."

Blunkett's departure has not only damaged the government, but spoilt plans for an election campaign with a tough home affairs policy as its keystone. "Labour's campaign is now in trouble," explained political analyst Francis Bargle, "As it's going to be harder to terrify the electorate into voting for them without that nutcase Blunkett to whip up an anti-terror frenzy!"

Conservative Shadow Home Secretary David Davis told the press that "Mr Blunkett was forced to resign in case this became the first whitewash, er, inquiry which went against the present government." The Liberal Democrats agreed that Blunkett's resignation had been "the right thing to do," but added that "We'd've been happier if he stayed, 'cos all that rubbish about ID cards was a sure-fire winner for us!"

Charles Clarke has now assumed the role of Home Secretary, leaving his post as Education Secretary. "There will be continuity between David's approach and mine," explained Mr Clarke, "In that I'm going to press ahead with ID cards for everyone, detain foreign terror suspects without trial and make significant adjustments to the police force to ensure they're given the power to give on-the-spot fines to anyone who isn't already scared of me."

Tony Blair, who stood firm behind Blunkett throughout, told him that he had left government with his "integrity intact", adding "assuming you slightly stretch the definition of 'integrity' to include me, John Prescott, Jack Straw and Geoff Hoon."