Microsoft Works - C:JTAWKXPpres.wps

J. Trevor-Allen’s Work Experience Presentation.

By JTA.

Introduction bit:

‘No placement available. Please check and try again.’ Ah. That makes 10. This is 10 as in “10 people have said:

a) ‘You’re not old enough’,

b) ‘We’ve got people already’,

or

c) ‘We hate you, get lost’.”

Damn. ‘I appear to be on the horns of a dilemma’, I told Mr. Taylor. ‘Oh? What is it?’ He asked, somewhat wearily (ALL teachers I speak to sound weary.1) ‘I haven’t,’ I replied ‘a clue. Nor do I have a placement.’

Fortunately the school prides itself on being a listening school2 and so I was given a list of lots more places to be demoralised by. This however failed to work3 and so I have been able to write the following report. Please do read the footnotes; they make it more bearable.

WEEK ONE; 3^rd - 7^th July 2000

Day 1: AGS; Library.

Managed to arrive at AGS (That is this school) and was able to find library without too much trouble. Waited outside for Mrs. Kosinski to arrive and was mistaken for a year 11 pupil by some insane 6th formers. Why they thought this I don’t know. My tie, I’m convinced, made me look like something from the Maths department (All red-and-black-stripe ties do this).

First job, after explaining that, yes, I was supposed to be somewhere else, but hadn’t been able to get there4 was to stock-check the audio and video cassettes. It would take quite 20 minutes, I thought.

That was an underestimate. The Shakespeare tapes were the worst because, for a bizarre reason known only to themselves, if filed numerically they ran: ‘Julius Caesar, Pt.1; Discourse on Hamlet; James Mason reads Critics on Henry V; Julius Caesar, Pt. 2.’ The process was not helped by the fact that there was only just enough space to move the tapes around the cupboard and, more importantly, several tapes were ‘missing, presumed’5. Amazingly, or not, most of the ‘missing’ tapes later turned up6, which meant I could move onto the videos.

There were fewer videos than audio tapes, which should have meant the job was simpler. It wasn’t. Again Shakespeare fought against organisation, but was soon defeated when I put them all on one shelf and hoped they’d go away. The real problem, as ever, were the science departments7. In particular the Biology department, in whose subject you NEVER watch videos, had about 12 tapes on ‘Permanent Loan’8, including three about plants9.

This, and the re-checking, took me up to one o’ Clock. and the inevitable lunch-break. As I was allowed to leave the school — something which is never permissible to pupils, as a rule — I decided to have a look around Newport. The reason, it appeared, that WE are never let out at lunch is that, due to a huge injustice, the Burton Borough are let out instead10. After wandering through the hordes (as I wasn’t in uniform I didn’t cause comment11) I tried to eat my sandwiches. Which I hadn’t got. Oh.

Due to this I spent the next hour looking for frail old ladies, who might have just got their pensions — but I remembered the value of the state pension, and gave up.

When I got back, however, I was given a pile of crisp packets, which cheered me up a good deal. Then it turned out they were empty & I was supposed to cut the book tokens off them. So I did. All afternoon. After cutting out what must’ve been three thousand tokens I was rather disappointed to see that I hadn’t made any impression on the box of packets itself. However, I put this down as the packets expanding with air12 and nothing to worry about. As no-one had told me otherwise I left at 3:45, went home by bus13 and fell asleep. Well, not immediately; I had three cups of coffee first.

Day 2: AGS; Library.

A new tie: Blue with green bits. The green bits turned out, when I was on the bus, to be butterflies. Now I looked like so like a maths teacher I could’ve just written a thesis on prime numbers.

As a change from yesterday I was able to download information about books the library might get from ‘TES Bookfind’ (A catalogue) to ‘Heritage 4’ (The library thing). The only problem was that to download books you had to save them to a file. The files only took about 10 books and you couldn’t find out how many you’d saved. This meant the computer regularly crashed with the message “File Error 241”. Other than this all went well and I was able to issue and return books as well.

This took less time than the stockchecking, but to locate books you have to type in the ISBN14 and hope you got it right. (If you don’t the computer tries to crash).

Having finished this, however I went to lunch — WITH SANDWICHES, tried to hide my tie with my chin and returned to cut more crisp packets. For the afternoon. What I had thought to be a trick of the light (The crisp packets being the same as yesterday) was not. They were as many as yesterday15. Then I had to count the tokens I’d cut. I KNEW the tie looked like a maths teacher’s. This was further proven by two teachers not only not recognising me but also not avoiding me as they usually do.

After which I went home, by the same bus full of Burton Borough pupils who, also thinking I was a maths teacher, tried to get me to do their homework. A sample of ‘their’ answers follows:

1) “3y+2y = x. x = ?

3y+ 2y = 32y. 32 = x so 32 X (3+2) = 32 X 5.

Therefore x = 325.”

2) “5n+6p = 4q. q = ?

This is a trick question. The answer is: ‘William Tell invented gravity’.16

What mark they got I can’t say, but I suspect it probably involved a negative number. Oh well. You win some, you lose all.

Day 3: AGS; Library.

Tie, for once, unlike that of maths teacher. In fact it was unlike many things, including a tie. I suspect it was a dressing-gown cord, with points at each end and a twirly pattern in the middle.

I spent the morning in the careers library, stamping leaflets and prospecti17 with school stamps and the date. This means the 6th formers can use them to barricade the door shut whenever years 10 or 11 show an interest.

Oddly enough most of the 6th formers who came in didn’t mind my presence. In fact they were only ever irritable when I blocked the television screen. This was understandable, as they were watching a video about Bristol university. Whenever Mrs. Kosinski left they turned over to ‘Tellitubbies’, but I didn’t bother to complain: They were intent on watching La-La burn the ‘Tubbytoast’18.

The seemingly innocent filing cabinets are, I discovered, actually a sort of man-trap. They also involve too few files for their leaflets. Thus I had to ignore several of the ‘Job Information’ sheets until Mrs. Kosinski came to help look for the missing files. Which stayed missing. In the end we chose the positive approach to this problem: We put in new files, and hoped the old ones didn’t turn up.

Having fulfilled my Careers Library quotient I invoiced several new books by pointing the swiping-handle-thing at the ISBN bar-code and doing the same for accession number labels, which I stuck in.

As I had finished all this before lunch I was able to spend the afternoon blunting scissors on yet more crisp packets. Amazingly I managed to cut the last of these by 3:35, which at least shows how useful work experience is at removing irritating objects19.

Day 4: AGS; English Dept.

Got to staff-room at 8:50.

Plan ‘A’ — that I should tidy the Stock-Cupboard — was ‘on ice’: The cupboard’s contents were in transit.

Plan ‘B’ — that I should clean video cabinets — was derailed: None of the rooms were free.

Plan ‘C’ — that I should find Mr. Banks — failed to take off. To the extend of exploding in the hanger.

Plan ‘D’ — that I should sort the English Department’s filing cabinet — worked; and I was allowed to keep some of the contents. This included an interesting poster by Mr. Banks — “Kno Your Enemy; Forth Formerz at a Glance” a ‘Down With Skool’ parody. I managed to photocopy it, and have displayed a copy nearby. Most of the rest I threw away — Mrs. Ehlers arrived & told me to be ‘Ruthless’; I.E. to throw it out in Mr. Bank’s best interests. Mr. Banks later salvaged most of the rubbish pile & hid it at the back of the cabinet.

Then it turned out that plan A was off ice. The stock cupboard WAS in transit — by means of JTA, who carried it in small piles. Small but HEAVY piles. And 6th formers, with lessons in Room A, kept getting in the way, or closing the doors.

Mr. Banks was able to see the shelves in the stock cupboard by the end of the day, which should help the History, Maths and French departments when they move from room B to room C.

Day 5: AGS; English.

Today was, actually, rather similar to yesterday20. As a variation, however, I spent about 30 minutes trying to get keys copied and the school in debt. This was due to keys costing £3.00 per copy and petty cash standing at £10. Four copies, someone who could do maths said, would cost more than £10. Thus the school owes a respectable21 tradesman £12.

After break Sam Clarke and I sat in the new stock cupboard, welding books to each other with sellotape, in an attempt to hold the pages together. As most of the books were issued in the 60’s this took some time, but it was interrupted when the French Department (Clearing the next-door cupboard) commandeered us to carry five-stone boxes of books down the narrow, crooked staircases that come with 300 years of wear22 to the language lab. The advantage of this, I was promised, would be an interesting sentence in my Work-Experience based French coursework. Personally I would have preferred money.

During the afternoon I again carried books around, happily barging through room A and consequently Dr. Pack’s maths lesson. It seemed to run “So using this graph we can estimate the size of trout… Which is important if they have holes in… And if you own a telephone company… Pack [ha-ha] your things away.”

I think I will drop maths for A-level.

Mr. Banks spent most of the afternoon complaining about the inability of the 6th form — several of whom he’d got to help him — to be together in a small cupboard. I suspect he meant to add ‘and stack books on the shelves’, but I suppose he could just be unobservant23.

My first week ended with my eating the ‘goodies’ Mr. Banks sent me to buy, and with no sign of a second placement. Yet.

WEEK TWO; 9^th - 14^th July 2000

Day 1: [no placement]

My attempts at finding a placement had failed. I had failed. The school had failed!24 None of this really surprised me. However... There is, of course, one last option, very dangerous, unpleasant and very much a last resort but... so, I didn’t have a placement, so I decided to give something back to the school I owe so much to.”25 This never fails. When you give people who found you impossible to teach the impression they did teach you they are certain to help. That’s a tip. Write it down.

Obviously an absence of a placement lasted all day — due to administrative red tape26. However, by 8:30, I had been made aware of a placement awaiting me, and I arrived at the Juniors the next day.

Day 2: Hadley Junior's, Year 6.

The tie was hideous, but the pupils were so close to the floor it didn’t matter. I was assigned to year six, on the grounds that I would be “Best suited to this area”27 and so spent an innovative morning writing name-labels for draws with publisher. This is a very simple thing to do. So simple that I only spent three hours miss-spelling the names of the forthcoming class, cutting them with a guillotine — the class, not the labels the labels, not the class and sticking them to bits of card. None of the other teachers use card for labels. It must be one of those little quirks teachers have28.

After break I was sent to pull a tree down. The tree was allegedly part of a display, but judging by the amount of staples in it there was little to distinguish it from a hawthorn. The display itself was about an eco-friendly musical and used about twelve gallons of paint and two acres of cardboard — which doesn’t include any of the props from the production29. However I struggled against the forces of staples, drawing pins and falling notices to produce a square inch of space by lunchtime. I was then sent to find food and, by the time I had returned, Mrs. Turner had lost patience and got some pupils to do it instead.

The upshot of all this was that I had nothing to do for the afternoon, and so cut sections of card into strips, to produce the sides of picture frames for a DT project.30

I’m not sure I cut very accurately, but it should look good enough for any real disasters to be blamed on the kids who made the frames.

Day 3: Hadley Juniors, Year 6

My ability to use publisher being invaluable I spent the morning making yet more draw labels and cutting them up. This took me past breaktime and I was peacefully slicing the pages of names into single labels when, from behind me, the phrase “...No, he’s doing all right” was spoken and I realised the school had paid a visit.

In fact Mr. Warren-Smith had paid a visit and was smiling at me in his usual crocodilian manner. I jumped, re-christened Daniel Roberts ‘Dani’, and weakly smiled back. It seemed, however, that there were no major complaints — I had, for the first time ever, a “good working relationship with the staff”, and almost everyone was pleased there was a new person for the pupils to wind up. Mrs. Turner sent me to the staff room, to organise a cup of coffee, but Mr. Warren — Smith refused31. After a while he left, and I returned to my label-cutting.

The afternoon brought a class transfer: Everyone moved up a year, except year six, who went to the year three teachers. This is a very good system, as it lets the pupils size up their teachers before they get them, thus allowing them to push their luck to the max. by about 9:05 on the first day of the next year. This system doesn’t happen at AGS, because pupils of our ability [“Top 20% across the country” etc.] are expected to do this when a prospective teacher holds a cover lesson32.

As such there was little for me to do so, drawing on last week, and experience prior to this I re-organised their library into something resembling order, and flicked through the Stephen Beisty cross-sections book. To... To, erm, see if I’d like a career in engineering. Sort of.

Day 4: Hadley Juniors, Year 6.

Finished tidying up library, and ran out of adjectives for this presentation. I suspect the word I’m looking for is “peculiar”, but I wouldn’t put money on that. The main problem with their library seemed to be that, rather than using conventional Dewy classification they had added coloured labels to the system. These labels were mostly varying shades of blue or red, meaning the books were placed on shelves in such a way as to lure the less moral of the pupils33 to switch the colours from book to book. I didn’t bother to change this. It’s not my research, after all.

Another fun activity I participated in was cutting more pieces of card, this time for the frame’s backing, whilst sitting it the conservatory (It was a sort of glass roof, but since I left they added walls) which the sun warmed to a pleasant 80°F. This is a perfect demonstration of how the sun can fry an island, the moon can’t even boil an egg, and the school pool is heated by lovely, cheap, liquid nitrogen tanks.

The afternoon brought SCANNING! The scanner seems to be a photocopier on drugs, rather than the computer thing: You feed a “Skin” through the one end — showing what you want copied — enter a random number, such as “584” and press a green button. The scanner then prints one page, for approval, and after you’ve pushed the green button again throws sheets out at a rate of 50 a minute. If you take away the tray at the back you can re-create a snowscene. Very pretty, and it gives the cleaners something to be paid for.

Day 5: Hadley Juniors, Year 6.

My last day in the world of work! I could almost taste the staff’s envy. Nevertheless I tried to appear sombre, almost regretful that I should leave the world outside, and return to AGS. I failed dismally, but it’s the effort that counts.

I had, apparently, completed most jobs, but I was given a cupboard full of work, which I duly gave out to the class. This was a complex issue, because whenever I called out a name a helpful-looking kid would cheerily say “He’s dead.” Thus my efforts to complete the task went:

ME>“Err... James Joyce”
The KID>> “He’s dead”
Pupil in question>>> “Here”
The KID>> “No, he’s dead. That’s an impostor.”
ME> “He’s there!”
The KID>> “Oh God! He’s risen from the grave! Help, HELP!”

I suspect I’d found out why the staff wanted to leave, rather than just me.

Between break and lunch I ‘bound books’ — using a machine to hold paper together with plastic springs — for use next year. I discovered that, once the plastic spring is loaded, a good shove on the lever will fire the spring forward and managed to score three hits on the window and one on the photocopier before I was told to put it away and count what I’d scanned on Thursday into piles of 30.

There were 5 piles, of 240 sheets each. I didn’t want to spend all day, however, so I developed a clever plan.

Somewhat amazingly it worked, and I was able to scan a blank sheet. I then told the scanner to print out the blank sheet in batches of 30, thereby defeating any character building the exercise might otherwise have threatened me with.

The afternoon yielded the unexpected task of making labels — this time for the science cupboard34 — and removing a display of hats, kites and sunshades that didn’t. (DT, again35.)

The afternoon also yielded peace and harmony, as all the pupils were in the hall watching a film. I’m not sure what it was, but it was either “The Man in the Iron Mask”, “The Iron Man” or “Cannibal Stewardess Vixens Unchained”36 . Something like that, anyway.

Of course, I missed this — but I expect it was no more fun than watching “Venusian Vampire Vixens 2: Back for More!”37.

My Work Experience experience ended here, as does this presentation.

Kindest regards to all those who helped,